Truthful Tuesday


I’m in a funk. 
A no good, listless, directionless funk. 
I’m really craving going back to work but am feeling guilty and selfish for wanting to do so. 
Being with a toddler all day for the last 17 months has made my brain turn to mush. My once impressive vocabulary has now turned into me struggling to think of words. It’s like the light is on, but theres no one home. 
When I think of actually going back to work, I used to have such a clear picture in my head of what that would look like. I’d be standing in the front of a classroom of First Graders in dark wash denim trousers, a polkadot button up blouse and a mustard cardigan. I was smiling and nodding my head, listening to a group of well behaved 6 and 7 year olds answer questions enthusiastically. At the end of the day, they would rush to their wall cubbies, grab their jackets and character lunch boxes, and rush to give me hugs before they make their way to the auditorium to line up for their busses. 
My future was vivid. If I tried hard enough, I could almost reach out and feel the chalkboard behind me and smell that weird school carpet odor. 
However, that direction and that goal don’t excite me in the way they used to, and it’s kind of scary. 
If you don’t count my ballerina / pediatrician / garbage woman / veterinarian dreams of my very very very early youth, I’ve wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I wanted to help shape the minds of the future. I wanted to give kids what my amazing elementary school teachers gave me – confidence, safety and a zest for learning every new possible thing I could.
And I used to want to do that for other kids.

Now when I think of returning to work, there’s just this giant black space

When I see my husband leave for work, there’s a little twinge of jealousy. A little piece of me wishes that I was able to do that, to get out of the house every day, interact with other human adults, problem solve and think critically over more than a laundry and meal plan.

love being H’s mom, I love that I’ve gotten to stay home with him and watch all of his Firsts. I love that I get to wake him up every morning and put him down for bed every night. I love that I’m there to soothe him after he crashes and burns, and I’m there to give him high fives and applause when he does something awesome.
I honestly can’t imagine not being the one who has been home with him for the last 17 months. I feel lucky that we’ve been able to budget enough for me to do so.

Honestly, I don’t even think it’s really work that I want. I just want something that’s mine. Something outside of ‘just being a mom’ (as I’m often reminded of).

I need something. But what? I’m not sure.

Is this some quarter (+1) life crisis that I wasn’t aware of?
Because I’m pretty ready for this funk to be over.

Are you a stay at home mom?  Do you ever get jealous that you’re not the one who goes to work?
Are you a working mom? Do you ever wish you could stay home more?
How do you get yourself out of a funk when you’re feeling ‘off’?

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “Truthful Tuesday

  1. You are not alone in feeling the tumultuous emotions. I think Moms go through phases of feeling torn and then feeling elated. I believe we must make time for Self and if that means returning part time or full time, just do it.

    Like

  2. I can definitely see getting into a funk. I am not a stay at home parent but I can see how that can really morph into something odd after doing it for a long time. Above all else I say just focus on you and do something for you every single day. It can be a class at the gym, a cheesy rom-com, or a nap. Just something for you each day that makes you happy and keeps you feeling like you.

    Like

  3. We've all been there at one point. I certainly know the feeling. I created a business to keep me on top of my game. It's something I'm passionate about and look forward to everyday. It has it's challenges because my kids are small and are with me most of the time.

    I'd say look for something to break the funk. Do something out of your ordinary. A class you've always wanted to try? Just something to give you a jolt and remind you that you're you – not just mom + wife. There's a woman there too. 🙂

    Like

  4. I love that you are so honest, it can be a hard thing to admit! I am a stay at home mom too, I used to be a lawyer, and I always thought I would go back to work soon after my first – but along came a second and 2.5 years later I am still a SAHM. I used to get really jealous of those working, and felt like I wasn't enough as a SAHM, but I think thats just because all of my friends went back to work and I didn't. I get into funks occasionally as well (i.e. at the moment both kids are sick I would totally love to be going to work 🙂 ), but when I look at the big picture I am totally happy and grateful for the life we have 🙂

    Like

  5. These are the reasons why I feel for my mom friends and understand why they are so eager to plan get togethers. It's such a short season and yet lasts forever it seems. I'm not a mom and am honestly too scared to be. Hope you have good friends to come to your aid when you need to adult. 🙂

    Like

  6. I'm not a mom but can def relate about being in those funks and feeling like nothing is “yours”. That's usually when I start to make a list of all the things I might like and see what is doable, and then do it! That usually helps me!

    Like

  7. I love how open and honest you are in this post. I'm not a stay at home mom but I have watched my dreams change since I got married and started thinking about life in a different way. It's interesting how goals and dreams change as we age.

    Like

  8. Hehehe ahhhhhh the struggle with this one! I gave up my career to stay at home with my little one, it's nice that I'm the one raising her and seeing all of her first everything's, but at the same time I miss work and the daily challenges from it! And the people too lol.

    Like

  9. I think this post will strike a cord with many. I totally get what you mean, I'm a new mum to an 8-month-old and also feel like my brain in turning to mush. Baby brain is insane! Thankfully, I'm able to work via my blog which is keeping me going.

    Like

  10. So honest! Such a great post. I may not know what it's like to be a stay-at-home mom but I know what it's like to be in a funk! Maybe your hubs can watch him and you can go out for a girls night or a yoga class or just anything not related to mother activities! I hope you feel better. 🙂

    Like

  11. Love this honest post! And I definitely feel that many stay at home moms felt this way. My mom was a stay at home mom for 7-8 years after having children before returning to her elementary school teaching job. It was hard for her to go back, but that was almost 12 years ago and she's constantly glad that she did! It just takes an adjustment period- you'll love being both a mother and a teacher.
    http://www.aswestumblealong.com

    Like

  12. Great blog post girl!!! I think many mommies feel that way! It's important to have something you can do that is for you and is yours! I totally get that! You'll find it!

    Danielle Greco
    AccordingtoD.com

    Like

  13. So many moms share your thoughts on this, Shannon! Don't feel bad about thoughts of wanting to return to work. Blogging in many ways helps make sure our brain cells are in tact. Making friends with other moms and hanging out with a good circle of supportive people will help this SAH process easier. Good luck!

    Like

  14. Yes! I can totally relate. I've been at home off and mostly on for the last 6 years. I've started my blog just so I can have something of my own. I think it's a need to be successful in a way society values. It may not be right, but sometimes you just feel it. Being a mom is the toughest job out there, but it's important to have something of your own too.

    Like

  15. I've been both a working mom and a SAHM. I definitely prefer being a SAHM, even though at this point it's more like housewife since my daughter is almost 13. I hate trying to cram everything that I need to do into a day where I'm away from home for 4 to 8 hours, plus I am so dead after I get off work (I stand on concrete all day).

    Having hobbies is so important when you don't work. Having date nights, having time to yourself, just finding something that is for you, and just you, is ABSOLUTELY the right thing for a mother to do. Being a mom doesn't mean you sacrifice yourself – that's not good for anyone.

    Like

  16. I definitely do get jealous when my husband goes to work. I enjoy staying home with my daughter but like you said, my brain has turned to mush and I just don't feel as intelligent as I used to. My husband lets me get out almost every Sunday for a couple hours, and I'll just go sit at McDonalds or something with a coffee and read or do blog work! That does seem to help.

    Like

  17. I'm a stay at home mom and I do get jealous of my boyfriend going to work every day!! Likewise though I know he gets jealous of me being able to stay he with our girl. I personally throw myself into my blog when I feel this way. Even though I don't make money with it now, in five years I just might. How cool would it be to make a income off being a SAHM?? That's my dream, and it really keeps me positive and busy.

    Like

  18. Love it Shannon! So raw and honest! I have these moments in almost all aspects of my life. The typical poster child for “The grass is always greener” especially in my relationships. Truth is at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy and feel alive again. Being a mom is a blessing and its okay to be selfish and make time for yourself as well. Sometimes I'm envious because I wish I could stay home with my kiddos, taking them to and from school. But I also like working too and having my own thing. Ideally I'd like to just work from home and have the best of both worlds! Hang in there! I have had Mid life crisis .1 haha or whatever you call it. It's natural!

    Like

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s