Truthful Tuesday 06.09.15

For the past week, I have been feeling anxious and nervous and a little more on edge than normal. 
As Wednesday approaches, the feelings only intensify.
Because.
Tomorrow I am stepping hugely out of my comfort zone. 
I am doing something I have been wanting to do since I found out I was pregnant with H. 
I am taking part in a huge photo documentary project that was started by a mother to help encourage women’s embracing of their post-pregnancy bodies, motherhood and breastfeeding. 

And I’m scared sh*+less. 

I’m proud of what my body was able to do.
I’m proud that I was able to create and carry a beautiful little boy for 39 weeks.
I’m proud that he was (and is) incredibly healthy and strong.

But
I still harbor a lot of resentment towards my pregnancy and birthing experience. 
I’m still angry that my body didn’t seem to agree with being pregnant. 
I’m selfishly still upset over the fact that a hematoma kept a once very active me on bed rest for the first several months.
I’m sad that constant sickness kept me from enjoying what should have been a beautiful experience. 

Most of all
I’m still really bitter over our birthing experience. 
So, yes, I’m scared and anxious and regretting ever signing up for this entire project, but I’m really and truly hoping that after all is said and done, it’ll be a type of closure. I’m hoping that participating will be the exact unburdening act I need to help me let go and move on.
Because, after all, we got exactly what we wanted out of the whole thing – a perfect little tornado of a human. One who can simultaneously make my heart swell and drive me up a wall. My sweet little tumultuous love. 
Do you have anything big coming up soon that’s making you feel like a Nervous Nellie? 
How are you coping?
For making it through this, I reward you with adorable pictures of aforementioned tornado.

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23 thoughts on “Truthful Tuesday 06.09.15

  1. I am sending you such good vibes for this project. I appreciate you being honest about your pregnancy and birth. I had really rough pregnancies. I love my kids but I did not enjoy being pregnant. And congrats for moving out of the comfort zone.
    🙂
    Traci

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  2. hehehe, “aforementioned tornado.” He's adorable!

    I can't begin to ever understand all the things that you felt, but I'm definitely rooting for you, and I wish you the best of luck in your project! :] Major props to you for getting out of your comfort zone too!

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  3. I've known so many women who were crushed by how their birth story played out. It seems like a long labor and eventual c – section seems the norm now. I've never had children but I feel I'd have a yon of problems that run in my family. This project sounds really interesting!

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  4. It's funny how we put all this pressure on ourselves, right? Like if it was a friend going through it you would probably support them and tell them that they shouldn't be upset with themselves over something they can't control, but when its ourselves we're so much harsher!

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  5. Thanks for sharing your story! I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and just found out that I have to have a C-section, there's no way I can have a regular birth. I know rationally that it doesn't matter, but I feel annoyed and upset that I don't have a choice.

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  6. He is so cute! Maybe this project is where God wants you to be so that you can heal. It could be a blessing in disguise to help you get rid of those bitter feelings. You never know who you will meet, what you will experience, or what will touch your heart. Praying you have a positive experience.

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