Monday’s Musings

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and have just been a giant ball of mush, emotionally. I don’t know whether it’s because our son’s arrival is imminent, or because I’ve been so sick, but in the last week I feel like I get teary all the time! The happy tears definitely outnumber the sad, but many days I don’t feel like myself – I’ve never been this emotional of a person! I cry at the doctor’s office when I get to hear the baby’s heartbeat and she confirms that he is super healthy, but I also get mist eyed when I realize we don’t have enough baking soda or flour left to make chocolate chip coconut pancakes for breakfast. ((Side note: You’ll have to give me a pass on this post – my thoughts are all jumbled, and I’m sure the posts reads as such.))

Things that have been running through my mind:

// Moving away from our home in Washington to move back to Idaho. I am so lucky to have an awesome family (seriously, they are beyond wonderful people who make me laugh and feel warm when I’m around them) back in Washington, and the closer we get to D day (aka: baby’s birthday), the harder it gets for me. I know the three of us (Zach, baby and I) will still go up for visits several times a year and there are always holidays, but I already miss them something fierce. Also, how happy I am that our house is finally under contract! It will be so nice to not have to pay for a home we are no longer living in – no longer having to pay a mortgage and rent along with two sets of utilities makes me feel like a huge burden has been lifted. It feels like I just lost ten pounds signing the contract!

// How much life in general is going to change when baby H makes his arrival!

// How ready I am to not be so sick anymore! Someone told me yesterday to “enjoy this last bit of pregnancy”. Instead of saying some rude comment back, I held my tongue. It’s really hard to enjoy a pregnancy that literally makes you ill at least a dozen or more times a day and keeps sending you to the hospital. I think I’ve just about “marked my territory” all over Boise and Spokane, and the whole “throwing up blood” thing is really starting to get old. Thank goodness that at the end of this I will have a sweet baby boy to show for it – and that is something worth feeling miserable for.

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// Meeting our son! I cry when I think about seeing him for the first time – how much hair will he have? Will he have big blue eyes? Will he look more like Zach or myself? I can’t wait to count all of his fingers and toes, and hear his little noises. I can’t wait to hold him for the first time and watch him snuggle into my chest. I can’t wait to feel his heartbeat as he lays on me and watch him absorb everything around him.

// How Z’s and my relationship will change and evolve. Whereas we only had to think about each other before, my days are now going to be completely surrounding our son. I’m not naive in thinking that nothing will change, I know it will and I am so excited for all the changes that will be coming, seeing Zach as a dad and myself as a mother. I don’t want to neglect my role as a wife and a partner, but I worry that I’ll have a hard time with trying to fulfill all my roles.

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// Watching Zach become a father. In these last few weeks it’s been amazing to watch and listen to him. It’s funny, but he’s almost nesting more than I am! He has been working 50 hour weeks to bring home a little extra money, then comes home and paints, muds, texturizes the walls until they are perfect, cleans the bedroom, baby’s nursery, the bathroom, the kitchen, helps cook, and is constantly vacuuming the floors! He wants everything to be ready, just in case. If he’s half as great a father to our son as he has been a husband to me, I know he’s going to be amazing.

// Becoming a stay at home mom. I know being a SAHM is a full time job, I know this, but I’ve never not worked and brought home a paycheck before. I’ve always worked at least one full time job and am usually taking classes as well. I’m nervous that I won’t have the intellectual stimulation I need and I will become a one dimensional, baby focused person. (Wow. When I type it out like that, it sounds really selfish.) It’s not that I dont want to be home for my son, in fact I’m beyond excited that Z and I are going to be able to make it work on one income and that I will be there for everything that happens in baby H’s life. I’ll be there for all his milestones, I’ll get to watch him grow and learn, I am fortunate enough to have the chance to be there for it all. I am so excited to be a mom, but I think what I’m nervous for is losing myself in that role. What if I don’t know how to carry on adult conversations anymore? Will I know how to talk about things other than swaddling techniques and cloth diapering vs disposables and breast feeding? I want to think I’ll stay the same person, and that Z and I will have the same relationship, but I’m worried when we become parents, that’s all we’ll be.

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// Being a mom at 25. Am I even going to know what to do with a little person? Will I learn what all of his cries mean? Will I be a good mom? Will I ever resent or regret getting pregnant so “young”? Will I totally screw him up and do everything wrong? I know I’ve been babysitting since I was 14, but I have a feeling it’s going to be so different with our son – it’s my rules and my baby, rather than following guidelines that someone else has asked me to do.

// How labor and delivery will go. Will I be strong enough to do it the way I’m hoping to? Will the Hypnobirthing class that Zach and I took help keep me calm and confident? As a first time mom to be, I have no idea what it will be like – all I know about birth is what I’ve seen in the movies, and it’s scary! It’s usually shown as a quick blip, but it’s traumatic looking – there is a lot of screaming and fainting, and that’s not what I want.  I want a beautiful experience, something I can look back on and take pride that I did. I have a lot of expectations for myself, but I’m trying to stay realistic. I think the thing that is going to get me through the process of labor is knowing what I get at the end of it! I have been trying to surround myself with positive birth thoughts, and in doing so, read about Beyonce’s birth experience. She talks about how she felt so connected with her daughter throughout the process, and in thinking about her baby’s journey, it was easy to forget about what she was going through. I so hope that I can share a similar thought process – imagining what our son is going through, not just the discomfort that I’m feeling.

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Until Next Time.

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